Theresa's Journal
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November 20, 2009
The Longness that I feel at time
I feel very along and far away from everyone. Our son's are grow up now and been out of work for almost two years now. Have no, friends to spreak in our new city, didn't have them any where we lived and going back to elemary school and then into high school.
I take our dog bonnie out of walks when I can let myself leave the apartment. Some days I can't even leave the apartment at all. Tell my husband that I have taken Bonnie for walks and I haven't only done one walk all day long. I used volunteer and haven't done that either. Really afraid of driving now and don't like winter driving because of the roads get.
Our son got married this summer and wasn't happy because his wife didn't want to our last name at all. But you have to change everything once you get married because you are married. From ssi, passports and etc has to be changes, for you to get your husband ssi if he dies on you can't make them understand that all.
Our other son lives so far away we can't to see him for at least a year or so, now and he has been though two bad marriages and I blame myself for that one too. He is doing welded and is very happy living in Texas where it is warmer then the east coast and that is where the jobs are now. Still miss them both they were my life and don't know how to move on.
Doug spends so much time at his job and I do know that he has to do that to get head these days. Haven't gotten a rasie or anything like that at all. He hasn't gotten pick up by this razor company.
All I can do is dimoku and chant and prayers all the time to get out this state of mind. Because it is state of minds
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November 07, 2009
In pain all the time
A day of pain today and it was not fun at all. The right hip and leg was in pain all the time. The meds didn't work at all. What do you do but keep on moving...
Doing lots of chanting Nam Myoho Renge Kyo to keep away the pain. To help others think of peace and happiness though out the world. Where we have clean air and clean water and enough food for all of us. Where no, one is sick at all.
Peace would be everyone gets along..It will be world enough thing that we all can get along
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October 08, 2009
another of being along
Don't like leaving my home at all. Just sit in front of TV and watch TV all the time. Don't want people to see me at all.
I have nevered liked myself anyways. I know I should take our dog for long walks but leggs hurt when I get home and my lower back dose. Just getting out of the house is for me. I don't like my clothes that I have because my pants are to long and I am short and fat and can't get new olds. Have lots of bills and can't buy any more.
My fibermylia is just one more reason not to leave the house. I have asthma and allegies anyways.
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October 02, 2009
Today is another day of pain
Today is another day of pain an unable to leave this house. Feel everyone is looking at me. Maybe their are not doing that at all. I rather be in bed sleeping all the time. But have to get up and dressed to take our dog Bonnie for walks.
The walks with Bonnie seems to help, but once I start I get short of benealth and want to turn around and come back. Bonnie won't let me do that at all. She wants her walk and she want me to get out too.
I like when my husband and I take Bonnie for walks at night when their are no, one is around and so no, one can see me at all. I hate have my picture taken at all. I am so fat and urgy look..
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September 24, 2009
Been unable to leave my home
Slowly I haven't been able my home. Afraid to go out side and unable to move out. Some days are better then others. Sit or lay down and sleep all day if I could. The only thing that will get out of the house is my dog Bonnie. But even then it is hard. I take her on the shortness walk that I can. So no, one can look at me or see me.
I am afraid because I am fat and horrible looking too. I did used to work when I was in Whitefield. I work at two local hospital. First for eight to ten years at Littleton Regional hospital as an OR housekeeper. It was a safe to be to work. Then where I got hurt was a Lacaster hospital where I was Housekteeper on third shift their and hated their. Because I tried to get good idea passed so people wouldn't get hurt. It wasn't a good idea. Didn't like changed and people made fun of me in both places.
It took me back when I was in high school and called names. Such as scum..It is true..I was not a liked person at all.